Hello, My Name is Charlie Sheen.

Our GPS is named Vicky. Well, technically, she's named Victoria, because she's a haughty bossy Brit. As if there's any other kind (except for Adele). When she makes us mad by recalculating, we call her Vicky. Like icky Vicky.

But for the most part, Victoria gets us to our destination just fine and dandy, without too many problems.

Btdubs, when I say us, I mean me and my parents. We all use Vicky, often on long trips that actually require her. I promise I'm not pulling a Perez Hilton and referring to myself in the plural.

Anyway, my grandparents only recently got a GPS. Before, they solely used maps. For reference, these are what driving maps look like:

These just don't make sense to me. They're so small, and it's a pain to try to find where you are when you're driving 85mph on a random ass highway in Louisiana. 

Apparently, though, when I was seven years old, I got me and my grandparents un-lost on our way to my Uncle Leroy's and Aunt Carrie Lee's. (Side story: half of my relatives call her Carrie and half call her Caralee because, well, Southerners clip words. So pretty much my entire life, I thought these were two separate women.) I'm not even sure I knew how to use a map, then. But my grandparents have told this story over and over.

I was just tired of them arguing (a show of affection between them) about whether we were supposed to turn right or left, and we were supposed to take the bridge 500 ft away NOT this bridge. My seven yr. old brain wanted peace and quiet to play my Gameboy Color. I just wanted to beat the 17th level of Tarzan, OK!?!

So I took matters into my own hands and ripped the map away from Nan. Then I somehow found where we were supposed to be and got lucky telling Papa left and right. Funny story, when I was seven, I still got my lefts and rights confused. Fortunately, I didn't realize the map was upside down so this was not a problem.

I looked like a genius, and I really had no idea what I was doing. I win.

You can call me Charlie Sheen now.

Facestalking Is Normal, Right?

I facestalk. A lot. I think. How much is considered a normal amount to facestalk? Like an hour a week? 2? 24? How much is too much?

Today, my Newsfeed told me someone is now single. Though I'm not close to this person, I happen to be close to a certain family member of this person. I'm so totally curious, but I don't feel able to call her up and ask. I mean, that would be rude, right? I don't like being rude, despite popular opinion.

So all day after I saw it on my Newsfeed, I've been periodically checking both part of the (former) couple's FB pages. I mean, it could have been a joke or something, and they aren't really broken up. I've seen it happen a lot, when the girl decides to be FB married to her best friend? Yeah, you know you've seen it. Don't play.

What's the protocol for these situations? Am I just supposed to stop wondering about relationship status, since it has nothing to do with me?

Also, where's the line for other types of scenarios? Say one of my friends just got engaged (I'm super happy for her!) but we've kind of lost touch, is it weird to go through all of the engagement pictures? Or is that normal?

Is it normal to comment on a childhood best friend's new hair color? Or is that weird?

Most importantly, how often is too often to look at a crush's FB page to see if he and his tragic girlfriend have broken up?

I'm not saying I've done any of these things. Well, except for the first one involving someone's relationship status.

Oh, and don't even act like y'all don't Facestalk. Everyone does. It's why FB even exists.

Horrified

On days that I have classes, I get up ridiculously early. It's dark as fuck outside, to be exact. Since I have to wake up so early, I generally just put on my clothes, put my vitamuffin in the toaster, and rush out the door. I don't put makeup on until I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting for the campus bus.

So my makeup routine on these days is:

1. Redness relief daily protective base: I don't do this with a mirror, because I'm not dumb and don't need to see where my face ends.

2. Almost Makeup foundation: I just found out Clinique has discontinued this, and I am effing pissed. This stuff is wonderful. It evens out my complexion, but doesn't feel heavy. I love it.

3. Concealer: You're probably asking yourself why I put on concealer after I put on foundation? Well, because everyone who told you to put it on before is a moron lied to you. It completely defeats the purpose to conceal before foundation. Highlight, yes. Conceal, no.

4. Bronzer: I use the peony one from Clinique, and it is the most amazing thing ever. I forgot to wear it one day, and I really did look like a zombie. It was so horrible. I never forget now.

5. Eyeliner/eyeshadow: This varies day to day. But I will say that I just started using Sephora brand eyeliner, and it's pretty legit.

Then I put on chapstick, but that isn't important enough to count.

So why was I horrified?

I'm almost too horrified to let people know that I have this problem. But my life is public now since I'm a certified blogger. Seriously, the blogger powers-that-be sent me a certificate via snail mail. 

I have crows' feet, and I'm only 20 years young. 

Yes, isn't it horrifying?

For the record, this is what my eyes looked like before today:

My parents say that my eyes just crease, and I don't have crows' feet. But I do know that Ponds Cold Cream and I are going to become best friends.

By the way, I'm totally not sure why my eyes look grey in the second picture and really green in the first. It must've been the light.

Top 8 Favorite Current Shows

I really like TV. Like a lot. At any given moment when I'm not in school, the television is on. Sometimes I'm not really even watching, but most of the time I know exactly what's going on. I LOVE TELEVISION. Is that clear yet?

So I thought I'd list my top 10 favorite television shows. But since I love television, that was pretty hard to make a list. Then I decided I'd do shows I'm currently watching, so if it's on in the summer, I haven't listed it. All of these shows are on the air right now, and you should be watching all of them. Also, though I absolutely love Big Love, I didn't list it because not everyone has HBO (like me), and I am not currently watching it. I watch it when it comes out on DVD.

8. Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Tabatha is such a ball buster, and I love her for that. She doesn't take crap from anyone. It's a reality show, but Tabatha is good enough to make up for it.

7. Top Chef: I have watched this show since it started. I love food, and I love competition. How could this show not be a favorite? Also, I think Tom is kind of cute in a big baldy sort of way. AND HE CAN MAKE GOOD FOOD!

6. Greek: This show started my senior year of high school. I was so excited because Greek made it look so awesome. My college experience hasn't been all fun and games, but this show still makes me nostalgic for the college experience I wanted to have.

5. Degrassi: Can I just say how glad I am this show got good again? Munro Chambers, Landon Leboiron, and Charlotte Arnold were the breath of life this show needed. Yes, it's sometimes kitschy but generally relevant, and that can make up for a lot.

4. How I Met Your Mother: WHO THE EFF IS THE MOTHER? I want to meet her already, and I watch every week to patch together clues. Also, Jennifer Morrison is wonderful. I wished they would have waited and made her the mother.

3. Gossip Girl: This show literally gets better every week. I know not many people love it as much as I do (except for Ams!!), but those people don't have any idea what good television is. Pretty people, fun drama, and amazing clothes every single week. What could be better?

2. Community: I'm actually really bummed I have to put this second. I'm also really sad that I can never watch it at the time it actually airs because it competes with my ultimate favorite show. But the writing and acting on this show is AMAZING. They're all incredibly talented, and I'm not even interested in any romantic relationships. If you know me, you know this shows how great this show really is.

1. Big Bang Theory: BEST. SHOW. EVER. I can't even describe it otherwise. I love Sheldon. I love Penny. I even love Howard Wolowitz. Don't judge. Watch this show.

My Generation is a Big Pile of Slackerdom

I procrastinate. When a paper is announced, I sit idly by and think about it vaguely as I watch the newest episode of Degrassi. This is just the way it happens.

For some people it might be How I Met Your Mother (Best Friend BW) or it might be chatting online with your favorite pen pals (Ams & also me). But every person in my generation procrastinates until the very. last. second. Deadline, schmedline! I can do this in 30 seconds before class begins.

<INSERT PANIC HERE>

I did this last night, and I did it this morning. In the end, I still pulled out what I believe to be a great paper. But, unfortunately, the stress and panic I felt this morning will not make me break the cycle. In fact, next time I'll wait even longer before I start.

Do I blame the bad influences in my life that forced me to stay online when I clearly had work to do? No, of course not. Do I blame the very interesting episode of Degrassi that I had to watch last night? No, it was so good! Zane is super cute, by the way. I hope he's legal. Does it matter if he's on a show? As we know, I don't like crossing over into creeperland.

So this leads me to the point of this entire post: my generation is incredibly intelligent. Collectively, I think we have critical thinking skills that could cure the world's ills. But we're too busy trolling the Internet.

Some people are gifted enough to get over this. Like E.Beck, who types at superhuman speed. Seriously, I think she's a cyborg.

But, in general, I think our generation will ultimately be a let down. And that thought makes me sad. But not enough to make me want to change.

The story of my life.