Oy With the Poodles Already!

If you don't realize that came from Gilmore Girls, please rent all seven seasons and educate yourself. It's completely necessary for your mental health.

As much as I would love to write an entire post/blog about Gilmore Girls, this actually has nothing to do with Gilmore Girls.

You see, I'm a english major. I pretty much live in Park Hall. Due to being an english major and sharing Park Hall with the linguistics program and the classics department, there are loads of interesting characters. Seriously, jockers, stoners, preps, and hipsters abound! Mostly, there are just way too many hipsters. Hipsters love an excuse to read Jack Kerouac, so they become english majors. It's actually really unfortunate.

Anyway, I was in my Language in Contact class last Friday, and there's this guy (a ginger, actually) who sits two desks behind me. He shall be referred to as Dude, since Homeboy is already taken. So Dude is kind of a loud talker, and I'm kind of nosey. Seriously, if you don't want this chick to hear your conversation, don't talk about it at a bajillion decibels.

I think I should set the scene for you so this is clear.

Dude is a ginger, and he has a beard. Plus, he's a little husky...like mountain man husky. For realsies, he wears flannel. How can I not make lumberjack comparisons? If you like mountain men, let me know. He's looking for someone, as you will see from below.

Yes, I know this is Zachy Galifianakis. 

But imagine his hair super bright red and him a little younger, and you basically have Dude.

So now that you know what Dude looks like, this conversation might make more sense. Now, before I reveal what he said, I just want to clarify that I don't think Dude is ugly or even unattractive really. However, girls at my school aren't loving beards. Especially ginger beards. Although how fun would it be to say, "I'm dating the Ginger beard man!" I know, I'm so funny.

Ok so Dude was talking to his friend. Let's call her Stacy.

Dude: Man, I am so tired of being alone! I want a dog. Guys with dogs get all the chicks!

Stacy: Awww, how cute! What kind of dog do you want?

Dude: Anything miniature, like a teacup poodle. 

INSERT: Um, dude, chicks don't like guys with miniature anything. Get a boxer, ASAP!

Stacy: Umm, I don't think you'd like a poodle. Or anything small, really.

Dude: Ok, fine. I have the greatest idea ever. A TEACUP PIG!

Seriously, he exclaimed this. The whole class was interested. No less than 5 people asked at once, "where the eff do you get a teacup pig"? I was too appalled to ask question. I liked Babe and all, but I don't want my pet to see me eat its cousins. Why would a husky lumberjack give up bacon?! It boggles my mind. 

Yes, I clearly think about the important stuff in life: food.

Just in case you were wondering, he really is getting one of these:

I think they're kind of cute. But I wouldn't find a guy more attractive if he had one.

And I cannot even imagine the smell. Oh em gee, I die!

I Like Scaring the Eff Out of People

There are a few stores parents should never bring children into. These are not stores with power tools that could hurt the little mutants, because those power tools are the ish to any child. Girl or boy, it doesn't matter. Power tools are shiny and make loud noises. Crack for children.

No, the stores children should not be brought into are boring. There's nothing for kids to do. Victoria's Secret, Tuesday Morning, and Stein Mart are the top ones that come to mind.

When I was a child, my mum took me to Stein Mart a lot. I don't know why. Stein Mart's clothes are classy, sure, for an 80-year old. But there is absolutely nothing for kids to do, except hide in racks.

See, the wondiferous racks of Stein Mart are circular and have plenty of space for kids to fit in. So I would hide in the rack, wait for my mother to pick up a lovely blouse, and then grab out at her arm.

"Oh, this is pretty! I should go try it on," my mum would say.

Then she'd pick it up, and my arm would dart out to grab it like lightning.

Then my mother would be pissed because I scared her.

And then we'd leave Stein Mart and go get ice cream. My life was complete.

The Dutch Have the Worst Ideas

In the South, we like barbeque. If you're from Memphis, you know BBQ only means pulled pork shoulder. It does not, under any circumstances, mean grilled chicken brushed with Kroger barbeque sauce. If that's what you think BBQ is, get out of my face. I legit can't look at you.

Now, I'm one of those people who likes pulled pork sandwiches. I think they're effing delicious, especially since I only eat them twice a year (because my family are BBQ snobs, and the BBQ here is, um, not something my dog would eat if we had a dog not good.)

But unlike a certain member of my family (oh hell, I'm going to call her out. Nan, I am talking to you. Except not, because you still can barely use your computer and have no idea I have a blog.), I do not like any other condiments on my BBQ sandwiches besides, obviously, BBQ sauce. It's weird how that works, right? BBQ sauce on BBQ? It's like fate. Wyrd. (See what I did there? Old English humor. I rock.)

Anyway, my nana likes a certain condiment that I cannot stand: koolsalade. You've never heard of that word, most likely. It's Dutch for 'cabbage salad.' In the South, this means cole slaw, the most disgusting fucking side dish ever.


It has cabbage, carrots, and mayonnaise. How could it get any effing worse?

Look at that amazing BBQ sandwich. Doesn't it look super delicious? Oh, but they effed up with the side of coleslaw. Ridiculous.

Another thing that disgusts me about coleslaw is the scene in Never Been Kissed where Rob declares himself "The Coleslaw King of the World." And you know who played Rob, right? 

Yes, David Arquette played Rob. Doesn't that make it worse?

It's official: the Dutch have the worst ideas. None of this would have ever happened if they just left cabbage out of salad.

Trivia Etiquette

I play trivia every Friday. I love the people, and I love the atmosphere, and I love challenging my brain.

However, I have issues with the way some people play trivia. In fact, they play it wrong. I would go so far as to say some of these people deserve a bitch slap because they're making trivia look bad. Like Magic: The Gathering on steroids. For the record, that game is the worst game ever. No offense.

So these are the rules of trivia etiquette:

1. Don't ask to join another team. If I invite you because I feel bad you're by yourself, feel welcome to join if you'd like! But if I don't offer, don't ask. It makes it super awk for me, and it makes me cranky. Cranky K = hell.

2. Do not ring an effing bell or yell after you answer a question correctly. Depending on your team, you look arrogant or stupid. Also, trivia is usually done in smaller spaces. I don't want to hear screams from every corner of the small space. My ears thank you in advance.

3. Don't argue with the trivia master. He knows more than you do. And he will take it out on other teams when aggravated. And then I'll want to slap the eff out of you.

I'm sure there are more, but these get on my last. effing. nerve.

Blech

So just a couple of things:

1. I have a pretty long paper due in the morning. I'm writing about homosexuality in The Maltese Falcon. The movie has this handsome guy in it. I'm pretty sure I've introduced you before, yeah?

2. I would like your ideas about what to post about. I want something y'all are going to care about. Apparently, not many people want to know about my crows' feet. Give me an idea, and I'll do my best to make it funny. Except for bodily functions. Those are never funny.

Horrified

On days that I have classes, I get up ridiculously early. It's dark as fuck outside, to be exact. Since I have to wake up so early, I generally just put on my clothes, put my vitamuffin in the toaster, and rush out the door. I don't put makeup on until I'm sitting in the parking lot waiting for the campus bus.

So my makeup routine on these days is:

1. Redness relief daily protective base: I don't do this with a mirror, because I'm not dumb and don't need to see where my face ends.

2. Almost Makeup foundation: I just found out Clinique has discontinued this, and I am effing pissed. This stuff is wonderful. It evens out my complexion, but doesn't feel heavy. I love it.

3. Concealer: You're probably asking yourself why I put on concealer after I put on foundation? Well, because everyone who told you to put it on before is a moron lied to you. It completely defeats the purpose to conceal before foundation. Highlight, yes. Conceal, no.

4. Bronzer: I use the peony one from Clinique, and it is the most amazing thing ever. I forgot to wear it one day, and I really did look like a zombie. It was so horrible. I never forget now.

5. Eyeliner/eyeshadow: This varies day to day. But I will say that I just started using Sephora brand eyeliner, and it's pretty legit.

Then I put on chapstick, but that isn't important enough to count.

So why was I horrified?

I'm almost too horrified to let people know that I have this problem. But my life is public now since I'm a certified blogger. Seriously, the blogger powers-that-be sent me a certificate via snail mail. 

I have crows' feet, and I'm only 20 years young. 

Yes, isn't it horrifying?

For the record, this is what my eyes looked like before today:

My parents say that my eyes just crease, and I don't have crows' feet. But I do know that Ponds Cold Cream and I are going to become best friends.

By the way, I'm totally not sure why my eyes look grey in the second picture and really green in the first. It must've been the light.

Top 8 Favorite Current Shows

I really like TV. Like a lot. At any given moment when I'm not in school, the television is on. Sometimes I'm not really even watching, but most of the time I know exactly what's going on. I LOVE TELEVISION. Is that clear yet?

So I thought I'd list my top 10 favorite television shows. But since I love television, that was pretty hard to make a list. Then I decided I'd do shows I'm currently watching, so if it's on in the summer, I haven't listed it. All of these shows are on the air right now, and you should be watching all of them. Also, though I absolutely love Big Love, I didn't list it because not everyone has HBO (like me), and I am not currently watching it. I watch it when it comes out on DVD.

8. Tabatha's Salon Takeover: Tabatha is such a ball buster, and I love her for that. She doesn't take crap from anyone. It's a reality show, but Tabatha is good enough to make up for it.

7. Top Chef: I have watched this show since it started. I love food, and I love competition. How could this show not be a favorite? Also, I think Tom is kind of cute in a big baldy sort of way. AND HE CAN MAKE GOOD FOOD!

6. Greek: This show started my senior year of high school. I was so excited because Greek made it look so awesome. My college experience hasn't been all fun and games, but this show still makes me nostalgic for the college experience I wanted to have.

5. Degrassi: Can I just say how glad I am this show got good again? Munro Chambers, Landon Leboiron, and Charlotte Arnold were the breath of life this show needed. Yes, it's sometimes kitschy but generally relevant, and that can make up for a lot.

4. How I Met Your Mother: WHO THE EFF IS THE MOTHER? I want to meet her already, and I watch every week to patch together clues. Also, Jennifer Morrison is wonderful. I wished they would have waited and made her the mother.

3. Gossip Girl: This show literally gets better every week. I know not many people love it as much as I do (except for Ams!!), but those people don't have any idea what good television is. Pretty people, fun drama, and amazing clothes every single week. What could be better?

2. Community: I'm actually really bummed I have to put this second. I'm also really sad that I can never watch it at the time it actually airs because it competes with my ultimate favorite show. But the writing and acting on this show is AMAZING. They're all incredibly talented, and I'm not even interested in any romantic relationships. If you know me, you know this shows how great this show really is.

1. Big Bang Theory: BEST. SHOW. EVER. I can't even describe it otherwise. I love Sheldon. I love Penny. I even love Howard Wolowitz. Don't judge. Watch this show.