What's in a name?

Long ago (yesterday, but that's not how stories start), my dad was reading an article about the cheapest places to drive a car. Some where in Ohio (near Cleveland, I believe) made the list. And my dad made a comment about living out in Bumfuck, OH. Meaning the middle of nowhere for people not fluent in his (vulgar) language.

Upon hearing the (nonexistent) name of Bumfuck, I thought what a horrible town name that would be. I mean, would you want to live in Bumfuck? I'm assuming not. And I have a pretty shameful sense of humor.

I mean, can you imagine giving out your address to your grandma?

"Yeah, hey nan, so I moved," you'd say. And she'd respond, "How wonderful! What's the address, snookums? I'll send you money for no reason other than the fact you got off your lazy bum and moved out of your parent's house."

And then you'd have to tell her you moved not only to Ohio, but you also moved to 555 Jackrabbit Ln in the town of Bumfuck. And then you'd never get a Christmahannukwanzaa card from her because she'd be too embarrassed to write out the address in case her postman saw. Or maybe that's just my nan. But I doubt it. Nans worldwide are like that.

But this thought led to all the other crappy names I've encountered. Like the fact that my best friend (let's call her JM) loves the names Ezra, Tevye, and Judah, which are all great names, but not for one poor little Jewish boy, you know? I don't want him to get beaten up in his Sabbath clothes (+ yarmulke) is what I'm saying.

Or what about the fact that my cousin is named Kitrick? Or that in my high school there were Shanaynays and Shaniquas and Chantels? (To be fair, Chantel might not be on the same level of tacky as Shanaynay, but I personally dislike it. So, obviously, it still gets put on the list because I am the ruler of all.)

What would make you name your child any of these names? In the case of Kitrick, his mommy was a little crazy (+ high on drugs...allegedly). So I know her case, but what about the others? Who thinks Shaniqua is a good name? Not even Bon Qui Qui of King Burger would name her child Shaniqua. (Well, Bon Qui Qui might, but Angelah Johnson would never!)

And don't ever tell me it's because you want your kids to be creative and that it starts with the name. I call shenanigans. You're doped up from the epidural, and you effed up your kid's name.

But these things matter little to me, as I'm not high nor crazy and will never name my child something so horrid. Although, in the case of full disclosure, I have given thought of Severus. But it doesn't count if it's Harry Potter names, right?! I know there's going to be a surge in Xenophilius.

So, anyway, I've decided to have fun with these cray-cray names. Because if you can't have fun with them, you just feel horribly sad for the poor things (if it weren't for the fact that their parents have enough money for the kids to rename themselves a million times over if it weren't for the Social Security office being a pain in the ass).

And with that, I present the celebrity child name game!

I'm going to post a picture with a celebrity child who has a dumb name. But I'm going to give you options of several dumb names. You pick the right one! And no cheating. Google is not your best friend in this moment, mmmk?

I know, I know, she's precious. And she's a defacto Spice Girl! (I thought I'd give you a hint. But Google is still cheating!) But she still has a dumbass name, and I don't discriminate. Just because you're cute doesn't mean I won't make fun of your name. So is she:

1. Pixie Dust Starlight
2. Fifi Trixibelle
3. Tallulah Belle
4. Bluebell Madonna

Pick the number you think she is named, and then comment. And the winner gets a gold star. I hope you didn't think there'd be a real prize.

Oh, and PS, I have no idea why Jackrabbit Ln. was the first street I thought of. It just seems like it would belong in a town called Bumfuck. Don't judge, capisce?