An Apple for You, my Pretty

I love nothing more than Pink Lady apples. Seriously, those are like drugs, and I am majorly hooked. But there is also nothing that annoys me more than noisy eating.

Let me paint the picture for you.

I was sitting in this beautiful building, which is mostly obscured by that ugly tree. I like trees, but I like buildings more, so sue me.

In this beautiful building, in my Novel after 1900, Detective Fiction class last week, we were watching a movie with Humphrey Bogart. You know, this handsome guy.

So we were watching and enjoying the movie (The Big Sleep) with this handsome guy and his wife, Lauren Bacall. 

And then I heard a <CRUNCH> from right behind me. I'm still a little distraught over it, 4 days later.

Vivian: Speaking of <CRUNCH>, I like to play them myself. But I like to see them <CRUNCH> a little first, see if they're front runners or <CRUNCH> behind, find out what their whole <CRUNCH> is, what makes them run. 
Marlowe: Find out <CRUNCH>? 
Vivian: I think so. 
Marlowe: Go ahead. 
Vivian: I'd say you don't like to be <CRUNCH><CRUNCH><CRUNCH>. You like to get out in front, open up a little lead, take a little <CRUNCH> in the <CRUNCH>, and then come home free. 

Eventually all I heard was <CRUNCH>, <CRUNCH> fucking <CRUNCH>. The apple was mocking me. Not only did I not have an apple, I was forced to listen to Miss Noisy Eater 2011.

Besides the crunchiest, noisiest eating I've ever been forced to listen to, what bothers me the most is that the apple she was eating was probably an effing Red Delicious.  She put me through psychological torture for a Red Delicious subpar apple.


By the way, whoever named it that was a fucking lying bitch. I bet she was a troll, and now she laughs in her grave at all the dumb people who buy Red Delicious apples and actually like them. HAHAHAHA, you stupid, she's saying.


I know y'all think I'm super neurotic. To be truthful, I probably am. But I would have been completely justified to slap a bitch. For serious.